Crickets Crickets

So this post isn't going to have any pretty pictures, which isn't something I do often. Bear with me here. I've hesitated to post anything on this blog for a while mainly because I was ashamed of how I was feeling and I didn't want to share my thoughts with anyone.

Yesterday after car shopping I had a full blown meltdown and all I can say is thank goodness for my mom who made me feel like I was normal and my feelings were okay.

When we first found out about this pregnancy I braced myself for more bad news or failure. After the last IVF ended in miscarriage I guess I didn't really think that I was someone who would ever be a mommy. Then we had this hail mary cycle #2 - our last insurance covered cycle. And everything was amazing. Every test, every ultrasound, every procedure. My first ultrasound came and the good news kept rolling in and here I was pregnant with twins. And as full as my heart was, something was just off. I wrote about it here, and I even posted about it on the message boards.

People automatically assume that when you are discussing all that you give up to be a mother that you automatically mean your body or the way you look. Yes, that's part of it, but that's not all of it. And it's not even the biggest part of it. And so I struggled to find the words that would make people understand, and in the meantime I just kept quiet. Because frankly I want these babies. I have always wanted them. And I know how blessed I am to have them. So I never wanted to appear ungrateful or stupid or shallow. Yet something wasn't right.

And so yesterday my (wonderfully patient and understanding) husband and I went to look at minivans and crossovers and station wagons that would accommodate our growing family and we finally settled on a car that was a good fit for us, our lifestyle and our needs. Joe had a lacrosse game last night, so after we test drove this car, we shook the dealer's hand and told him we'd be back in tomorrow to talk numbers. We got in the car and that's when I burst into tears. The first thing I said was something like "I love my car and I don't want to give it up!"

My current car is my first real grown-up car. I worked for 11 years before I could buy it, and while it's nothing super special, it's mine. I got it because I liked it, not because I had to have a car and it was what I could afford. I bought this car because it had features and leather interior and a sunroof and a MP3 jack and because it was cute. And I've only had it for two years now. And it's mine. MINE and I am not ready to give it up. And so I cried. And my husband told me we could wait, or that he'd buy the station wagon and trade his car in and everything would be okay, and that I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. He's so awesome. But I digress.

My mom called last night and I cried again. And somehow she understood. She was the first person to understand and OH MY GOD someone else gets it. It's not the car that I'm giving up, it's everything. Two weeks ago I packed up all of my clothes and put them in the basement, I can't eat things I want to eat, I can't sleep some nights, I can't muster up enough energy to go to the gym, and now I have to give up my car. And it's not any of that, but it's all of that. My life is changing forever and while I welcome the change EVERYTHING IS CHANGING and I just need it to slow down, just a little. Because I went from being this girl (this woman?) who thought she would never be a mommy to being this person that is having every single facet of her life turned on its ear and I'm scared!

So I'm taking a break from getting ready for the babies. Just a short one. Just enough time to breathe. Everything doesn't have to be perfect tomorrow.  I'm going to give myself some time and rip the band-aid off slowly and stay focused on all of the blessings in my life and hope that things just work themselves out in the end. Because the truth is I am so happy to be welcoming these two little blessings into my life. I cannot wait to meet them and know them. But that doesn't mean that my whole world isn't changing. So I'm going to acknowledge all of these feelings - the love and excitement AND the fear and frustration. Because I think they are things that all? most? of us feel. And I hope that they are normal and I hope that with this, like all other change, time will make it all make sense.

* I had to come back and add to this post, I was reading Paulo Coelho and came across this:

"When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself."