Thursday, August 12, 2004

nightmares, tons and tons of nightmares

My subconscious is out of control lately. I have been having nightmares all week. Maybe I should stop snacking at night? Maybe it is the new Dole ice pops I have been eating? I don't know. But last night I had a nightmare about this man who was trying to kill me and I was being nice to him even though he was scary because I thought if I was nice to him he would just go away, but he didn't...even though I gave him "my" cigarettes (even though I don't really smoke in real life...) There were obviously more details than this. And I remember all of them, but I am choosing not to post about them mainly because they are too real and too scary and I also don't want to bore anyone with my weird dreams. The night before last I also had a dream where I kept getting raped and I would realize it was a dream while I was in the dream (have you ever done that?) and I would force myself to take control and force myself to try and wake up and I would finally after what seemed like hours of struggle wake up and then as soon as I fell asleep again I would go right back into the dream. It was awful. I have had a violent nightmare every night this week. Am I so glad Joe and I live together because I keep waking up crying and he just grabs a hold of me until I calm down. Although by now I am sure he thinks I am crazy.

Not much going on today. I planned on getting outside but it is spitting out rain like crazy and outside doesn't look too great. Supposed to rain all weekend because of T.S. Bonnie and Hurricane Clyde (?) Clarke? I can't remember oh wait, yes I do, it's Charlie. Anyway Bonnie and Charlie (really would be a lot more fun if it was bonnie and clyde...) are ruining my weekend plans of riding my bike, going fishing and then heading up to A-Bay on Sunday. Grrr...

I thought Joe was supposed to have an easy day today but he just came home to drop some stuff off and ran right back out again. Supposed to be home at 3:30, I am going to take step class at the gym at 4:30 so I guess it will be another uneventful night in our household. I should probably take the chicken out of the freezer for dinner but I have no desire to cook. Maybe I will order in.

Supposed to go out with some friends from the gym tonight to a lounge called Dolce. Kind of a martini bar. Pretty cute place and Thursday is ladies night. Whatever that means. I guess it means the drinks are so cheap you can afford to buy them yourself so you don't have to talk to some schlep all night because he dropped $3.75 on your sorry ass. THANK GOD FOR LADIES NIGHT!

I think I am going to start working out with a trainer at the gym. I would like to be a bit more buff. I don't know, I guess we'd all like to be more buff. It's like the smaller I get the more imperfections I see. Strange huh? It would be so nice to be a guy. Oh well I have a new goal weight and I'd like to be all muscley. Hopefully working at the gym will pay off and give a me a discount on working with a trainer. I really shouldn't be wasting money on a trainer though but I really want to, we'll see I guess. Maybe I should find out how much they plan to charge me first and then decide whether or not it is worth it...

Well I am being boring and as such I am going to go play spades online, yes I am that much of a dork, I am actually looking forward to going back to work on Monday. Too much time alone makes Niki bored as hell.

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