Really Bad Dream

So…when Joe and I were living in Syracuse we almost split up. I was working as a graduate assistant for the athletic department 20 hours per week, teaching full-time, bartending Wednesday through Saturday nights from happy hour to close and going to school full-time. Joe became engrossed in work and climbing the corporate ladder. Before long we were living two very different lives. Compounding the problem was the fact that I fell in love, quite innocently and quite by accident, with one of the athletes that I was advising. We never had a physical relationship. It wasn’t like that at all. But emotionally, I was completely, almost desperately, head over heels for him. I decided to leave Joe thinking, if I can have feelings this strong for someone else than I must not be in love with him anymore. The day I made this decision I called my sister and she told me that Joe had just bought me an engagement ring. I lay on the floor of my bathroom for hours crying, trying to decide what to do. Do I leave stability, history and a man with a future that loves me for the uncertain, unknown college student that I love? The relationship (with the athlete) wasn’t one sided and he tried to convince me to leave Joe. The situation was amplified by the fact that both Joe and this other man were both lacrosse players at Syracuse (to this day it makes things really awkward). Obviously, I decided to go back to Joe and try to make it work. I quit my job at the athletic department. It helped that we moved to Albany too, because quite frankly, I didn’t fall out of love with this other person, I just decided to give Joe another chance and being around this other person made doing that too hard. This other relationship wouldn’t have worked anyway, at the time I was 27 and he was 22; It was all very Mrs. Robinsonesque. Anyway, point of all of this skeleton-in-the-closeting is that I haven’t given this other man much thought since last summer (yes, I thought of him while I was getting ready to get married, so sue me). In fact, I had all but forgotten about it until last night when I had dream after dream about leaving Joe, reconnecting with him and living out the rest of my life with him. I kept waking up from the dream trying to force the idea out of my head, only to fall back asleep and have the same dream. I am thinking this is because I watched the games this past weekend and heard his name 1,000,000 times. I told Joe about it this morning. Maybe some things are better left unsaid but I couldn’t not tell him. I felt like I had emotionally cheated on him…again. I know it was just a dream. It just caught me so off guard, I’m still so off guard.

nightmares, tons and tons of nightmares

My subconscious is out of control lately. I have been having nightmares all week. Maybe I should stop snacking at night? Maybe it is the new Dole ice pops I have been eating? I don't know. But last night I had a nightmare about this man who was trying to kill me and I was being nice to him even though he was scary because I thought if I was nice to him he would just go away, but he didn't...even though I gave him "my" cigarettes (even though I don't really smoke in real life...) There were obviously more details than this. And I remember all of them, but I am choosing not to post about them mainly because they are too real and too scary and I also don't want to bore anyone with my weird dreams. The night before last I also had a dream where I kept getting raped and I would realize it was a dream while I was in the dream (have you ever done that?) and I would force myself to take control and force myself to try and wake up and I would finally after what seemed like hours of struggle wake up and then as soon as I fell asleep again I would go right back into the dream. It was awful. I have had a violent nightmare every night this week. Am I so glad Joe and I live together because I keep waking up crying and he just grabs a hold of me until I calm down. Although by now I am sure he thinks I am crazy.

Not much going on today. I planned on getting outside but it is spitting out rain like crazy and outside doesn't look too great. Supposed to rain all weekend because of T.S. Bonnie and Hurricane Clyde (?) Clarke? I can't remember oh wait, yes I do, it's Charlie. Anyway Bonnie and Charlie (really would be a lot more fun if it was bonnie and clyde...) are ruining my weekend plans of riding my bike, going fishing and then heading up to A-Bay on Sunday. Grrr...

I thought Joe was supposed to have an easy day today but he just came home to drop some stuff off and ran right back out again. Supposed to be home at 3:30, I am going to take step class at the gym at 4:30 so I guess it will be another uneventful night in our household. I should probably take the chicken out of the freezer for dinner but I have no desire to cook. Maybe I will order in.

Supposed to go out with some friends from the gym tonight to a lounge called Dolce. Kind of a martini bar. Pretty cute place and Thursday is ladies night. Whatever that means. I guess it means the drinks are so cheap you can afford to buy them yourself so you don't have to talk to some schlep all night because he dropped $3.75 on your sorry ass. THANK GOD FOR LADIES NIGHT!

I think I am going to start working out with a trainer at the gym. I would like to be a bit more buff. I don't know, I guess we'd all like to be more buff. It's like the smaller I get the more imperfections I see. Strange huh? It would be so nice to be a guy. Oh well I have a new goal weight and I'd like to be all muscley. Hopefully working at the gym will pay off and give a me a discount on working with a trainer. I really shouldn't be wasting money on a trainer though but I really want to, we'll see I guess. Maybe I should find out how much they plan to charge me first and then decide whether or not it is worth it...

Well I am being boring and as such I am going to go play spades online, yes I am that much of a dork, I am actually looking forward to going back to work on Monday. Too much time alone makes Niki bored as hell.