Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I knew the day would come

I just thought when it did I'd be ready.

Yesterday, my babies turned six months old. A milestone in its own right, but also my goal date for breastfeeding. I did it. I can't believe I got here. There were a hundred times that I thought I would never make it; when July 12 would seem so far away.

So yesterday came and went and I realized, now that I've already started the weaning process, that maybe I'm not ready. But my milk production has dropped and even if I wanted to I couldn't continue to nurse them, cause I just don't make enough milk to feed two babies anymore.

I consoled myself with the fact that I can still nurse them in the morning and pump enough milk that they each get one full bottle a day. And for now, that was enough.

Except today I had a conversation that changed that.

Joe and I have two embryos that are frozen and we are planning to do a FET, um, now. I'm going in for my repeat SHG on Friday. And if all is clear, I'm good to go. Except for one small thing.

I can't be breastfeeding. I can't even be making milk.

Lactating causes a shift in hormones that can affect the cycle (even medicated) and can disrupt my ability to conceive again.

So here I sit, with two beautiful babies, who may be the only babies I ever have, and therefore ever feed, and in order to have another baby I need to stop feeding them and let go of this part of motherhood. And I'm not ready to move on, but I'm ready to try to conceive again. And I don't know why I'm so upset about all of this. But the reality is, I can't stop crying.

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