scared and tired

{pretty things = no stress}
I got all of the appointments taken care of this morning. I'm on CD2 and my HSG will be this Friday (CD6). I'm taking that afternoon off and Joe is taking me to my appointment and then taking me home afterward. I'm glad he'll be there with me, I could use the extra support right now. Plus he'll be able to ask questions and see the xrays himself.

I have to take an antibiotic called Vibromycin the night before the HSG and in the morning and evening for two days following because I had an IUD. I guess this is to help prevent an infection.

My gyn decided to hold off on Clomid this month until we see the results of the HSG. I think she was kind of surprised we didn't get pregnant last cycle given the size of my follie and our clean bill of health. I'm half relieved and half disappointed. Clearly we aren't getting pregnant on our own, so I thought maybe Clomid would be the answer? Now it just feels like I have to wait another cycle before we get help.

This is my 12th cycle - we'll hit the year mark of TTC on July 29. I never thought I'd be "celebrating" this kind of anniversary.

Joe took this cycle particularly hard, mostly because our tests were so positive and my doctor pinpointed ovulation and was so upbeat about things. I've been mostly doing okay, except for yesterday when I had a mini-meltdown. My mom wants us to go on vacation together as a family in September. She decided this last week. I'm not sure we'll be able to go financially (especially if we might be paying for advanced treatment or meds at that time). Anyway, I called her to ask when we needed to commit by and she gets all a-twitter over it, makes a couple of irrational comments, which I let slide, and then she tells me in the most dramatic of ways "Oh Nicole, I wish I could teach you how to relax and enjoy life. You need to not take everything so seriously. Just relax!"

Let me be clear, never, EVER tell a person with fertility problems to relax. It's not possible to just "relax" and it sets them into a dimension of pissed off unattainable through ordinary circumstances.

I got of the phone and vaccuumed the hell out of our house and then I cried and ate an ice cream sandwich. I woke up still pissed off this morning. And now that I just retold this story I'm kind of really pissed off again.