Thursday, July 31, 2008

fixer upper

Okay so it probably seems counterintuitive to put a deadline on mind and body health. Like “hey stupid, maybe the reason you feel so unhealthy all the time is because you always enforce unnecessary deadlines in your personal life?” But for me if I don’t pick a goal date and I don’t measure my progress I can, often, lose sight of my initial goal(s). So my deadline steadfast deadline is October 2, 2008, and here are some of my short, medium and long term goals. I may add to this list but I think this is a good start. Short term: Work out daily for 60 minutes Eat no more than 1400 calories/day Track my calories in/calories out daily Weigh myself daily, log my weight and measurements weekly Track 3 things I am thankful for every day Drink 6 cups of water daily Medium term: Be healthier Have a better body image Find a therapist to talk to for help navigating those areas of life that I am not so honest about Feel like I am in control rather than out of control Read all of the things I was thankful for at the end of each week as a reminder of how good things really are. Long term: Lose 8 pounds Have better portion control Make exercise a daily routine (like going to work, sleeping) Feel like I am in control rather than out of control Take charge of my emotions and how they cause me to act and react So to be honest, I already eat really healthfully, and I work out 5-6 times per week already. So some of my goals are easier to attain; but I also have a tendency to get within a goal’s range and then, almost purposefully, sabotage myself. One small, very trivial example: every time I come close to my goal weight I suddenly skip my regular morning workout because "I was really tired" or eat ice cream for no reason because "I felt like it, and I can because I've been working so hard". And just like that I creep up 2 or 3 pounds, nothing major just enough to not be at my goal this week. It's like I choose to fail purposely, and I am starting to realize that maybe by purposefully choosing to fail what I am really giving myself is an out. Like this way, if I fail then it's because my schedule is too busy to allow me to be successful or it's the ice cream's fault rather than the notion that I am just a failure. This is really hard for me to write. But I realized it last week morning, for the first time, as I shut my alarm off skipping my regular Thursday 5:45 a.m. spin class. I am doing this on purpose. I wasn't any more tired than I normally am when I drag my sorry butt out the door. So what gives? By 7 a.m. I was wishing it was two hours earlier so I could just go and not feel so empty. I did still get up and go to the gym so all hope wasn’t lost. But I do this in bigger areas of my life too – some I’m becoming slowly aware of, others I’ll need help figuring out and fielding (hence the therapist). So my 9-week program is the beginning of a larger program for myself and here so far is my essential question: Why am I so afraid of succeeding?

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