Tuesday, July 20, 2004


So since this is my first live journal posting I am going to do a test run and just post an email I sent to **Kara** a few days ago to make sure this works. I am afraid in my mental condition (highly menstrual) that I may suffer an emotional breakdown if I go ahead and type away only to be foiled by technology that is WAAAY over my head. I swear if this works I will write something new :)

Hey there, so I went out last night. A bunch of guys that used to be in Crow still live/work in the area and I ran into them last week, so we all went out last night. I think I was highly obnoxious. Not really sure, can't remember too much. I took full advantage of the fact that I only had to walk 15 ft. to get home from the bar. To be honest, I didn't really drink that much (3 1/2 vodka tonics - I had a fourth but by friend Richie drank half of his so I traded him cups, ha ha) BUT I am a small person, I was in such a rush to meet up with everyone I only had a salad for dinner (which isn't enough to drink on) and oh, yeah, this is the first time I have been out drinking since I stayed with Chris for our friend's wedding in JUNE mind you I had 2 drinks that night. So I am not the rock star I used to be. Or maybe, according to my behavior last night, I am. Holy cow, my head hurts. I was home in bed by midnight. Drank two glasses of water. And still my head hurts.

It is nice to have supportive friends. I have been so down in the dumps about my friends lately. I think, as a general rule, I attract selfish, needy people, selfish, needy, mean people oh and then I place them in the role of best friend. It makes me really sad because I am, at least I think a nice person and I am kind of really sensitive; but because I am loud and I say what is on my mind people think that I am a lot tougher than I am. Oh and because I am frank - even when it comes to sex talks - people think that makes me promiscuous too. Riiiight. You don't even know how many times I have had a friend bail on me to have sex with someone and say "well I was going out with you so I knew you would understand..." or "I figured you would know about XYZ disease, contraception, position..." um, no actually I don't know and I don't understand I am not Dr. Ruth.

Okay so back to the selfish mean friends thing. My self proclaimed, best friend from high school - the only person I keep in touch with from that high school (I went to two ) lives in Cali. At the beginning of the year she went away to Europe for 3 months. She's been back in the states for 4 months I have called her a million times and she doesn't return my calls; she never called me when she got home from Europe; i don't even get emails from her, (wow I sound like the Cable Guy) so I wrote her the other day to tell her my feelings were hurt and that I miss her and that I wish we kept in better touch and this was (I quote) her reply: "I feel like you are always on the move and feel like people will lose track of you if you don't let us know where you are...which is good. But I think having a cell phone and a commute aid in your ability to call people on a whim. I am not accusing you of anything, just giving you my perspective."

Um first of all I always tell people waaaay in advance when I am moving and up until we moved to Syracuse I had the same cell phone number for 2 1/2 years. Which i think is pretty good. AND I live in Syracuse so what commute are we referring to? Ugh.

And then I got a phone call from "SS", the most unhappy person ever, yesterday telling me that after nearly 3 months of unemployment she finally got a job and I was all excited for her - mind you she always finds a way to make me want to commit suicide during a conversation. She is what I will refer to as the soul sucking kind of friend. As in she sucks the very soul from your body leaving you motionless to die a miserable, painfully slow death. From dissing me cause all I am going to be is a high school teacher to telling me that "it's good that you got A's but I mean they're education classes not rocket science" um, actually, bitch it's graduate level English, fu*k you very much. SO we are talking yesterday and she is gloating about her new job and I am gushing over her new job and I was like oh wow it has been a great month for everyone! And I proceed to tell her about Kara's new job and how I was so excited for her and my other friend who also landed a fantastic new job in marketing and I am gushing over everyone's good fortune and how the economy is on an upturn, really helping my friends who are still in marketing and communications fields and what does the soul sucker proceed to do? Get jealous of other people's good fortune. She said "oh, that's great that Kara got a new job where is she working?" and I said "it's a really fantastic marketing mgr. position at AOL, she's sooo excited" and she said "oh, it's too bad she couldn't find a more stable company to work for, I mean it's not like they'll be in business much longer" see she sucks. AND WHY? You are having a completely good day, why does someone else's good fortune make you so MISERABLE. I was like "SS that is not nice. AOL is a great company and Kara has a great position there, you shouldn't be so yukky" the conversation was shortly over as you can imagine.

And then there is my dear friend, who's another self-proclaimed best friend, that only calls when she has an STD that she needs advice about. And it just breaks my heart that she's got such insecurity. And I am certainly not one to be envious of, everyone has their issues or ways their life can be improved and you don't always see those things from the outside looking in. And I had no idea that she would be jealous of me, WHY would she be? Ugh, how can you be someone's best friend and compete with them???? That's not a friend then! I am so sad over that, but glad to know that that is the case because I will be more sensitive to her feelings when we talk now.

Anyway the moral of this story is that I need new friends - Note to self MAKE NEW FRIENDS. And making friends is so hard. Maybe I will join a bingo club. Then my only problem will be that my friends keep dying on me. HA!

I want to go to the gym before work tonight but I feel like such ass, it's sad. And I got 8 hours of sleep well really like 6 1/2 cause the trash men and the recycling men came at 6 a.m. sharp and they were on my street for nearly an hour because of all the bottles and trash from the local restaurants and bars. I was like "have some HUMANITY please go away till 8 a.m." but they didn't listen to the thoughts in my head :) Ah well, I will just put on a highly padded bra tonight thereby taking any attention away from my face for the evening :)

Okay I should play cards now. LOL. Thought I was going to say get back to work eh? Fooled you.

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