We took the kids and the dog for a hike yesterday. What is it about being outside that makes you reflect on and evaluate your life? I walked for more than an hour with Reese giggling on my back and wondered, what am I doing? What comes next? Is this enough?
The failure of my last cycle is weighing on me. Not the cycle itself, but how finite the result was. Maybe this is our destiny. Maybe we were meant to be a family of four. Maybe I need to stop pushing toward bigger things, sit back and enjoy the life I've been given. I feel selfish for wanting more, not feeling like this is enough. And I'm tired. Fraught with worry. Emotionally drained. Why do I keep moving forward with ART when this process kills me like this every time?
I have a consult next week with another clinic who freezes eggs. Their frozen success rates are slightly higher (22% instead of 13%) and their fresh rates are lower. My clinic has a 42% success rate with 33% resulting in live births. The other clinic has a 36% success rate with 31% resulting in live births.
The stakes feel much higher this time since we are gambling with limited fertilization and sET. If I limit fertilization at my current clinic and do an sET, my chance of any future FET cycle resulting in a pregnancy is extremely low. But they know how to get me pregnant. They've done it twice.
If I limit fertilization at the other clinic, I can freeze my remaining eggs. But they don't know me there at all.
Walking with the kids yesterday made me realize how much harder life with three will be. Right now our babies fit perfectly. Two parents, two sets of arms. Everyone has a someone. Our house is big enough, our cars are big enough. Life is getting easy (or at least easier).
But I can't help but feel like something is still missing. Our family is not yet complete. I hate being IF. I hate that this is out of my control. I'm afraid to change, and afraid to stand still. I don't want to cycle for another six months or a year. I don't want to fall back down this infertility rabbit hole. I have so much to be thankful for, I am ready to live my life. But I want one more baby.