14

Cycle 14 came on Friday and its arrival was no surprise to me. With our upcoming vacation and our shift to the RE’s office we both decided that some time off would be in order.

This is our first break cycle in a year. THIRTEEN separate times we’ve forced the issue. For a year now we’ve temped, had sex for 30 days straight, used OPK’s, fertility monitors, Clomid, triggers, ultrasounds, I’ve had blood work, he’s been tested, I’ve been tested, our patience has been tested. And this month? Nothing.

Which leads me to the question, is there such a thing as taking a break?

If you asked me last week I would have said “yes, this month we’re just not going to try; we already know what the outcome of the next thirty days will be. And knowing and not caring will be such a relief.”

But last night we had sex for the first time in year because we wanted to, not because of the timing or a baby or a temperature or a doctor’s order. And the whole time I kept thinking “maybe this is it. Maybe because I’m so relaxed it will happen like everyone has said.”

Clearly I’m not relaxed if this is all I can focus on even in this moment. I thought I could walk away from our infertility, even if only for a few weeks and just go back to the old me. But she’s so far gone that I don’t even remember who that person was anymore. And I don’t think there’s any such thing as taking a break and removing yourself from this situation.

I’m heartbroken that this is my life, that I forgot how to enjoy my husband without some other goal in mind and that I live in a world consumed with conceiving.

I don’t even have the heart to tell Joe how I’m feeling because he needs this break as much as, if not more than, I do. So in a few weeks we’ll “start back up” with some extra help and a new doctor and maybe that will work. I hope that will work.