Thursday, February 28, 2008

clinical depression

So I came into work and wiki'd clinical depression because I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I am normally out of bed on Thursday's at 5 a.m. to go to the gym. Today I barely could muster the energy to shut of my alarm. I lied there in bed for two hours in a weird restlessness, until finally Joe got up and took a shower and when he got out of the shower I mustered the strength to get into it. I am exhausted, I am eating like it's my job, I am crying in fits throughout the day, I mean come on this is ridiculous. To be clinical it has to last for several months. This is two weeks so I am going to say it is depression, but obviously not clinical. And it makes sense. I just went through the worst week with my mom. My grandfather died. I had to work 47 hours this week to make up for lost time because of my lack of vacation days accrued and my computer hasn't been allowing me to access the network from home, so that's been added stress. But I've gone through all of those things before and never with this result. I just want to go home and climb into bed and never get out. I really think that it's time I sever all ties with my mom. Joe has asked me to, which I think is partly contributing to the problem that I am having with the depression. Slowly over the last year and a half I've been removing her from my life little by little I started with not going to her house for Thanksgiving. Then over Christmas, when things started to get nutty - as they always do - with demands and outbursts and insisitences and me feeling like I have no control over my life I did (to me) the unthinkable and told my mom I didn't want to see her for the holiday if these were the terms and conditions. And, as such, Joe and I spent the holiday alone. The only time I've gone there to visit since my wedding was while my brother was docked in NYC in October. And I must say, my life has been easy like Sunday morning as a result. I am just really struggling with the idea of cutting her out all together. Even though, I truly think, it may be in my best interest. Back to work. I have a proposal deadline that I am on. I am hating that it's Thursday right now. When will this week end? 14.75 hours left to work for the week...thank God.

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