Sunday, May 4, 2008


So with the elusive bonus check coming in at a whopping $700 (rather than $17000) along with an apology in the form of a "my bad" from my husband's manager [what happened fuckstick did your abacus break?] we decided to forego hiring someone to completely remodel our master bath and are instead tackling the project ourselves. We will still hire someone to do the downstairs in the fall, but that's then and the bathroom is now.

Our original plan was to tear out the existing tub/shower, console and toilet replace them with a glass encased shower only, a new toilet just moved down 6" to make room for a 60" dual sink console. Instead, we decided to redo the walls (which were poorly taped by the contractor) paint them, upgrade the existing console surface to granite, replace the construction grade flat glass mirror with a framed mirror, upgrade all of the faucets and replace the doors with something prettier than the standard white particle board doors that the contractor put throughout the house.

This project started three weeks ago, but because Joe and I have both worked 60 hour work weeks since the start of the project we've been confined to weekend work and it's a giant pain in the ass. In other news we did get the bedroom repainted and it looks great. When you do stuff like that it makes you wonder why you waited so long to do it in the first place...

Anyway, we did manage to pay off all but $3000 of our credit card debt with the refund from our botched honeymoon and our tax return. Which is AMAZING. I can't believe after living under tens-of-thousands-of-dollars of debt for the last eight years (for me the last 10 years because I was in debt long before meeting Joe) we are finally *almost* debt free. It's the most unbelievable feeling. But strangely I still feel like we're "in debt" because of that last $3000.

Anyway, I am scrimping every extra dollar we have toward that last amount and trying desperately to pay it off in the next two months. The deal was always that when we paid off our debt I could get a new car (makes sense no? Pay off 30K in debt and take on 20K?) Yea, well anyway, I finally got rid of the green goblin after 7 long years and 117K miles! I ended up with cute and clean and rust free Volvo S40, used, but new to me. This is what it looks like :)

I love it, except that we have a 70 pound yellow lab that I used to take everywhere with me and now I refuse to let her near the car. I miss her, but I've NEVER had a nice car and its too nice to share it with her. So I wave to her as I pull away to run errands, and I come back with a guilt cup of ice cream for her. If my future kids are fat, now you know why. Here have some candy, mommy will be home soon...

My job. SUCKS. I've worked two 60 hour weeks consecutively and I am coming up on week #3 of the same thing. I was supposed to be an "exempt hourly employee" which means I was limited to working 40 hours a week. But because I've turned out to be "such an asset to the proposal writing process" they've come up with a new overtime policy so that I can work as "much as I want".

As much as I want or as much as you want me to? I was told this was a one time thing because this is such a big proposal. And then halfway through last week I was apprised of 6 proposals we'd be writing starting May 13 (the day after the current proposal is due) all of which are due on June 10. That was followed up by a statement sort of like the one I was told three weeks ago -- this is just a one time thing, after June we won't need you again. You mean until the next round of proposals which start again in October. Riiiiight, just this one time.

So I spent yesterday applying for new jobs. I've been so upset about this job that I've actually thought about teaching again. Yea, it's that bad. I spent half the day researching potential job leads and applying for them, and the other half feeling guilty. Does anyone else get like that? I always feel like I owe my employer something, like if I quit that I've broken a promise to them or something...and I know that they don't have the same attitude but I am not (generally speaking) a quitter. So this is really hard for me.

I've been really struggling lately overall, because I don't know what I want to do with my life or what I am supposed to be. I thought by this point in my life I'd be married with kids and truly we worked so hard and so much through our 20's that we are not even close to starting a family. I don't know what makes me happy or what I am supposed to be and that's such a scary feeling. Joe is tremendously supportive with whatever I choose to do, which is amazing, but it doesn't solve the problem of "what now?"

I feel like I've always been in the "what now" position in life. Part of me wonders if I don't have some personality disorder which prevents me from just being happy with the status quo. Like why is it that so many others can live life contentedly going to a job that isn't fulfilling and then coming home and I can't? Joe keeps trying to tell me it's called work for a reason, but I think that it doesn't have to be so bad. Plus, I am one of those people that values MY time. I don't want to go above and beyond, stay late, work extra. I work to live, not live to work. My quality of life is THE most important thing to me -- getting to the gym, cleaning my house, cooking dinner for my husband. These are the things I value, and staying at a shitty office in a shitty cubicle till 8 p.m. doesn't fit into that picture.

So here I am 3 months into a job that is moving in a direction that I am not happy about, with a resume that shows an inconsistent work history (I graduated in the years of the dot-bomb and 9/11, so every job I had before teaching was contract-to-hire and the hiring never happened) and no idea where to go from here. I'm almost hoping I can get myself fired just so I can collect unemployment. 

Don't judge me.

Anyway, I've been typing this while literally watching paint dry and I think it is, so I am off for round 2.

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